Here is a poem of roasting and praising for my son, Evan on his Bar Mitzvah. Evan 
did no work around the house, but was multitalented. As a young man I never wanted 
children, but fell in love with them the moment they were born. I was astonished at 
the intensity of my feelings. When Evan was born he did not breathe for a full minute. 
Bernice was lying there happy as a lark unaware of the crisis while the doctors were 
frantically trying to clear his throat. I was petrified with worry. But everything 
has turned out OK.


Evan's Bar Mitzvah   (April 1990)

"Dad, go away, I'm on the phone!
But while you're here I need a loan.
You see, tonight I've got a date.
You're driving us, so don't be late!
Then disappear, we might have some fun!
Now get the dust cloth and vacuum!
And straighten up my messy room!
Don't just sand there like a baboon!
Make me lunch, I'll be hungry soon!"

"Oh, I recall a different tune.

Fourteen years ago today
Bernice was in the family way.
Our carefree days were soon to cease
Because of Evan and Elise
Some nine months later you popped out
Without a cry, without a shout.
While mommy laid there with a grin
You didn't breathe; my world caved in.
You didn't make a single peep
I should have known you'd be asleep.

Yet other things would make me weep

You started talking while a tot
You talked all day but just said "Hot"
Soon every time you saw a truck
You'd point to it and scream out, f___.
That wasn't what embarrassed me
So much as when you'd start to pee
On Broadway and Fifth Avenue.
And then insist I do it too.
You'd say to girls, "Take off your clothes"
And then to show them how you'd pose

You were a catalog of woes

Because of what I never knew
I wanted you to speak Hebrew
At school they taught you all I'd missed
You taught them I'm an atheist
But now I'm stunned by all you know.
And how you play the piano
You draw like Michaelangelo
And swim so fast, you make me crow
There's just a single thing I wish
Before I die, you'd wash one dish"

"Oh, Dad, you know that I hate fish.

So why'd you serve this junk today
You never let me have my way
Its time now that you set me free
Although you still must pay for me
But now that I've become a man
I know I should do all I can
To help out and repay my debt.
I'll clean my mess, but not quite yet.
I'll do it when my mind is clear.
You pick the day, I'll pick the year."